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Why I’ve always put on clean underpants
Vic Barlow28/ 2/2007
I WAS browsing in Waterstone's yesterday and spotted Alan Titchmarsh's book Nobbut A Lad. I hadn't heard that phrase since my 83 year-old granddad used it to describe someone he'd met in the pub. (The 'lad' in question turned out to be 60.) Every now and again I hear a phrase I haven't heard for decades.
As I climbed out of the shower this morning Mrs B handed me a stack of recently laundered boxer shorts and said, "Put some clean underpants on." I was waiting for her to say: "In case you get knocked down."
Why did mothers say that? Considering we spent our entire boyhood climbing trees, jumping off roofs and wading in ponds what made mothers think their son would end up under a bus? And why was the state of our underpants so vital?
"What's the situation here, constable?"
"Schoolboy, eight to ten-years-old, trapped under a double-decker."
"And his condition?"
"Five broken ribs, fractured pelvis, punctured lung. "
"How's his breathing?"
"Very shallow, doctor."
"And the state of his underpants..."
"Grubby."
"What?"
"Very grubby I'm afraid."
"All right, you know what to do."
"Put him to sleep."
"It's the kindest thing."
"Shall we inform his next of kin, doctor?"
"Yes, right away."
"Cause of death?"
"Filthy underpants."
I didn't have sisters so I'm intrigued to know what mothers said to daughters. Did they assume girls would be maimed by a domestic appliance?
"Put a clean white apron on in case you get crushed under the Hotpoint."
My gran was always slipping me an extra half a crown and saying : "Don't tell your mother." I don't know why, maybe it was hers?
I had an uncle who sported a wafer-thin 'tache and wore flashy pin-striped suits.
He carried a large wad of cash and called everyone 'squire'. His favourite phrase was 'it's not what you know but who you know', then he'd tap the side of his nose with his finger. I had no idea what he was talking about. It was years before I realised he'd been a wartime spiv.
Interesting chap my uncle.
My auntie always referred to the bus terminus as "Where't buses twizz". She called the coal shed a 'coal 'ole' and had something known as a 'meat-safe'.
My granddad always said his boss had a face 'like a soap boiler's backside' and needed 'a smack in t' chops wi' a wet kipper'.
It was everyday speech to me at the time but I've come to realise just how descriptive it was and so much better than the foul-mouthed expletives used today.
Most recent 2 of 2 user comments
What's next, a tale about the colour you did your toast this morning? Or perhaps one about what you look at when you are sat on your loo.
You must pinch yourself every day when you realise you get paid for this.
Looking forward to more ground-breaking articles ....
9/03/2007 at 13:30
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13/03/2007 at 13:45