Browse Sections

• Education
• Barlow's brief 
• Special reports

Hands up! The police have bottled water!

Vic Barlow
6/12/2006

METHINKS Cheshire Police are on the offensive. After the deployment of frighteningly empty police cars to deal with gun-toting gangs, local officers are to be armed with... bottled water.

Determined to drive drunken yobs off the streets local bobbies are to offer bottles of water to underage drinkers in exchange for booze. It's a ruthless operation codenamed ArcAngel and will have the ASBO generation trembling in their trainers.

Having dealt a blow to armed gangs with their aggressive Tape Measure Tactic the constabulary now plan to blow yobs off the streets with Buxton Spring. It's a plan fraught with danger; an unstable bottle of fizzy could explode at any time and only members of the elite Drunken Riot In Progress Squad (DRIPS) will be licensed to participate.

Clearly, Cheshire Police are in determined mood and you can but imagine the fear now sweeping through the criminal fraternity.

"Hey, Boss."

"What is it, Reggie?"

"We gotta leave this town quick."

"How come?"

"The place is crawling with unoccupied police cars."

"No!"

"And they are all carrying tape measures."

"Centipedes or feet and inches?"

"Both... and they got bottled water."

"Not bottled water?"

"Yeah, Buxton Spring... and it's fizzy."

"Let's get outta here!"

My sources tell me Cheshire Police's next major initiative is to arm the anti-terrorist squad with yoyos.

• THE views on this page are those of Vic Barlow and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Express.