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Reliable witnesses for accurate ‘kiss & tells’

Vic Barlow
22/ 3/2006

I'M NOT sure what to make of the government warning that men should obtain proof of consent from their female partners before any act of intimacy. How exactly will this operate? Do I need to employ the services of a reliable witness? I'm not sure Mrs B will take kindly to our vicar sharing the marital bed. Maybe a sound recorder under the pillow is a better idea but what happens if the tape sticks?

"Wwwwwwould you like toooooooooo?"

"Go to sleep? Yes I would. Good night."

It's hard enough to persuade Mrs B to sign a cheque, so what chance do I have with a legal contract?

'The aforementioned partner hitherto known as Mrs B will upon request grant unrestricted access to the petitioner. Each party shall be liable only to the extent of its respective interest.'

At exactly what point do I produce such document? "Here's a cup of cocoa... and a contract."

Maybe I should resort to subterfuge and dress up as a postman delivering a parcel. "And if you'll just sign here madam."

There's something else that worries me: how will the new regulation be enforced? I've heard of undercover policing, but I never imagined a bobby popping up from under the bed.

"Anything you say may be taken down..."

It's a bit of a passion killer wouldn't you say?

The last time I telegraphed my intentions to Mrs B it just didn't work.

"I'm going to make mad passionate love to you in bed tonight."

"If you do and I find out..."

I think I'll just dab on a bit of Old Spice and play my Barry White tape.

• THE views expressed on this page are those of Vic Barlow and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Express.