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Posh restaurant was more like a kiddies' play centre

Vic Barlow
21/ 5/2008

IT WAS Mrs B’s birthday last Saturday. I wanted to make a special effort and decided to book a table at one of Cheshire’s top restaurants. I didn’t reveal where we were going; I wanted it to be a surprise… it was.

We arrived early and were immediately shown to our table. It was a warm evening and I didn’t really mind where we sat. A window table would be nice, near the bar would be good, even an outside table was acceptable.

So imagine my surprise when the head waiter took us downstairs to the cellar. Determined to make the most of it, I ordered wine and proposed a birthday toast which was lost in the melee of wannabe WAGS staggering down the stairs. (They weren’t tangerine enough for the real thing.)

"Are you having another cocktail, Tracey?" one hollered across the table.

"Nah, I’m gonna ‘ave rose."

"Warrabout you, Cherie?"

(Cherie was too busy texting her boyfriend to hear.)

"WARRABOUT YOU?" (80 Decibels).

"Maybe it’s a party for the hard of hearing," yelled Mrs B.

As the manager asked the Wannabes to quieten down, a group of quarrelling children arrived screeching at each other like demented bats.

Other diners started to complain, the Wannabes upped the ante in defiance and the bats went ballistic throwing punches and pulling hair.

I wouldn’t have been surprised to see the massed Pipes and Drums of the Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders marching up and down the stairs, led by a man with a pneumatic drill. It was pandemonium.

There are few occasions when I regret not learning sign language. This was one.

By the time we had coffee, you could have played Trumpet Voluntary down my ear and I wouldn’t have noticed.

So, yes, Mrs B did have a ‘surprise’ birthday.

I just couldn’t help thinking we’d have been better off at a kiddies’ play centre.

The views expressed on this page are Vic Barlow's and not necessarily those of the Express

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